It's hard to articulate when I have so many things I could say. Recently, life has been all 'go through the motions'.. I can't say I'm hating it. When you're at the breaking point with too many emotions, automatic numbing does wonders.
I'm not great at writing about my own personal feelings. I'd rather believe I don't even have any, however, I just feel so full lately. Constantly full of happiness, sadness, anxiety, whatever. It's just been hitting me like a truck.
Ari's about to be three years old and I wonder to myself everyday if I am good enough. Seeing the potential and the love for life my child has, I hope I'm doing well enough to where she is going to succeed in life and feel that she IS good enough, in everything she does and for anyone she meets. I know a good role model is so important, but it's very difficult to convey these positive messages to her when I vilify myself at any chance I get.
I keep writing and erasing this line... but, I've been feeling like I'm missing something. I'm not dwelling on it by any means, but little reminders seem to keep shouting at me, "YOU'RE ALONE NOW". Random thoughts popping into my head, "It will never feel the same with anyone else". And I don't want it to.
Life has been good, though. I tend to write when I'm upset, but I can't forget that this is a blog of beautiful things, and my life is one of them. Things may seem monotonous, and dark, but there's beauty. Books and an empty cup sitting on a recently acquired vintage chair, courtesy of my beautiful, intelligent girl. The way the dimming sunlight shines through my living room window and casts a beautiful glow on my orange walls. The gorgeous weather New England has fortunately been having. My awesome, awesome friends; without you, I would be a miserable, homebody wreck. The mounds of clothes littering my room, because I have too much (grateful!) and am way too indecisive and messy to put it all back neatly. My wonderful family... thankful for every one of you.
xo
22 October 2012
18 October 2012
You Could Be Happy ......
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
Oh the irony...
I find it quite ironic how, for the last time, we're over. And when I walked in to my kitchen last night from finding the key in the mailbox, my microwave was flashing "end". I maybe even laughed a little...
03 August 2012
{july photos.}
ari petting the rooster
water culture!
R.I.P. Ralph
old sewing machine base
still in use well, for fresh water!
baby chicken
Ari's first sparkler!
Veronica and Ryan, sister and brother in law
Awaiting baby M!
Laura and the rooster
The cutest!
xoxo
02 August 2012
{on my mind}
I've been feeling some strange kind of way. I've been craving change in its entirety, and while I feel motivated, at the same time I feel defeated.
I really want to focus more energy on this blog. Its truly an escape, a break in life I need to utilize; keeps me grounded. Time has been non-existant though, the pace of things keeps getting faster and faster.
It's already August! I just can't comprehend how this summer flew by. Next month, fall will be upon us again, with chilly mornings and the soft fluttering sounds of leaves floating to the ground.
Ari is amazing. A perfect blend of her fathers and my best qualities. She's really coming in to her own- flourishing is really the word to describe it. Ari loves playing dress up, especially with heels that I hear clicking constantly across our floor. She's such an animal lover, the child has no fear when it comes to dogs or any other animals (including goats!). She is the least picky eater out of any child that I know, save for texture issues that we are still having (hmph). Vegetables are her food of choice, especially raw. She'd be awesome as a vegan; me, not so much. Ari's artistic qualities have been shining bright! She loves to color, paint, draw, everything. Books are important to her, and that makes me so, so happy. I am trying to teach her now that books should be respected, and how to properly care for one {we have too many missing pages in our Dr. Seuss series}.
The new apartment is almost completed; All that's left is finding a rad couch and chair to fit in the living room.
Within the next few months I'm hoping to sell my Volkswagen, and get something more reliable... but still a VW. :)
This month is going to be packed with awesome events that I am just so excited for. This upcoming weekend is Milltown, a hot rod and motorcycle show in Sturbridge, MA. Gabe and I will be camping out with another couple, so it's definitely going to be a fun time. Old cars and beer? Well alright! The weekend of the 18th, Gabe and I are heading up to Brooklyn, NY! The last time I was there, welll.... we won't get into that, but right off the bat I know this is going to be a much better trip than the last time I was there. Gabe's getting tattooed at Smith Street Tattoo Parlor, so we'll be spending the day in the city; I'm hoping I'll be able to talk him into seeing Central Park and visiting a bunch of thrift stores! And finally, on the 24th, I'll be getting my right thigh tattooed after much hype. Panther. YES.
So there will be plenty of photos, I'm currently blogging at work (oops!) but I do have a photo post from the month of July that will be up soon, as well as photos from the past weekend of thrifting around the Ocean State!
Happy August all! xo
I really want to focus more energy on this blog. Its truly an escape, a break in life I need to utilize; keeps me grounded. Time has been non-existant though, the pace of things keeps getting faster and faster.
It's already August! I just can't comprehend how this summer flew by. Next month, fall will be upon us again, with chilly mornings and the soft fluttering sounds of leaves floating to the ground.
Ari is amazing. A perfect blend of her fathers and my best qualities. She's really coming in to her own- flourishing is really the word to describe it. Ari loves playing dress up, especially with heels that I hear clicking constantly across our floor. She's such an animal lover, the child has no fear when it comes to dogs or any other animals (including goats!). She is the least picky eater out of any child that I know, save for texture issues that we are still having (hmph). Vegetables are her food of choice, especially raw. She'd be awesome as a vegan; me, not so much. Ari's artistic qualities have been shining bright! She loves to color, paint, draw, everything. Books are important to her, and that makes me so, so happy. I am trying to teach her now that books should be respected, and how to properly care for one {we have too many missing pages in our Dr. Seuss series}.
The new apartment is almost completed; All that's left is finding a rad couch and chair to fit in the living room.
Within the next few months I'm hoping to sell my Volkswagen, and get something more reliable... but still a VW. :)
This month is going to be packed with awesome events that I am just so excited for. This upcoming weekend is Milltown, a hot rod and motorcycle show in Sturbridge, MA. Gabe and I will be camping out with another couple, so it's definitely going to be a fun time. Old cars and beer? Well alright! The weekend of the 18th, Gabe and I are heading up to Brooklyn, NY! The last time I was there, welll.... we won't get into that, but right off the bat I know this is going to be a much better trip than the last time I was there. Gabe's getting tattooed at Smith Street Tattoo Parlor, so we'll be spending the day in the city; I'm hoping I'll be able to talk him into seeing Central Park and visiting a bunch of thrift stores! And finally, on the 24th, I'll be getting my right thigh tattooed after much hype. Panther. YES.
So there will be plenty of photos, I'm currently blogging at work (oops!) but I do have a photo post from the month of July that will be up soon, as well as photos from the past weekend of thrifting around the Ocean State!
Happy August all! xo
05 July 2012
On Life {& things of that sort}
After a month hiatus, I've been yearning to blog. For a while, blogging was becoming somewhat of a chore for me; I looked at it as yet another task I had to accomplish and somehow structure in the crazy day to day that had become my life. Instead of getting down on myself for the lack of enthusiasm I had toward something that made me happy, I decided to take a break. To not worry whether or not posts were up, and being read, and how much exposure my writing was getting. I got caught up in the technical aspects, and not in the fun I once had. I needed to arrange my priorities. I feel refreshed, and ready to continue on this journey of documentation.
What a perfect time to take time off from writing, because things were so hectic I'm not sure I would have even wanted to share. Between differences with my previous neighbors, family situations, arrangements with Ari's father, and moving... I feel like a screenplay could have been written about the goings-on. I will admit that the past month has been one of my darkest times; The feeling of despair was overwhelming. However, I'm content knowing my head is in a better, more peaceful place lately. I'm very hopeful things are going to keep getting better!
Ari and I have recently downsized to an adorable two bedroom apartment owned by one of my wonderful aunts. I am just so thankful. We're currently still in the "boxes everywhere" stage, but things are slowly starting to come together. There are no bad memories associated with this new home, and a fresh start is making me feel complete. I have a real kitchen! (which I have been putting to good use). Everything just needs to be organized and a few things obtained; a bookshelf for fabrics, paints, camera equipment and all things creative; a couch, preferably thrifted; and a desk for my bedroom. My bookshelf is currently being utilized as (what else) a bookshelf; albeit so completely stocked full, I may need another one! I'm in the market for another desk as well- the one I refurbished is being used as my sewing station, and I'd really love to have a little workstation in my bedroom.
Yesterday was the Fourth of July, my favorite holiday. We celebrated by visiting my mother and stepdad at their home in Johnston, basically a farm. Ari had a blast playing with the baby chicks and the goats- I had a blast photographing the greenhouse with the awesome water culture, the old still in use well, and just the sheer natural beauty of being so close to the city, yet feeling a million miles away. I miss country living for that reason, the feeling of freedom.
I'm excited to report that as of tomorrow, internet will be set up in our new home, so photos and a lot more posts are to come!
I hope you've all had a wonderful June, and enjoyed a patriotic day yesterday xo
What a perfect time to take time off from writing, because things were so hectic I'm not sure I would have even wanted to share. Between differences with my previous neighbors, family situations, arrangements with Ari's father, and moving... I feel like a screenplay could have been written about the goings-on. I will admit that the past month has been one of my darkest times; The feeling of despair was overwhelming. However, I'm content knowing my head is in a better, more peaceful place lately. I'm very hopeful things are going to keep getting better!
Ari and I have recently downsized to an adorable two bedroom apartment owned by one of my wonderful aunts. I am just so thankful. We're currently still in the "boxes everywhere" stage, but things are slowly starting to come together. There are no bad memories associated with this new home, and a fresh start is making me feel complete. I have a real kitchen! (which I have been putting to good use). Everything just needs to be organized and a few things obtained; a bookshelf for fabrics, paints, camera equipment and all things creative; a couch, preferably thrifted; and a desk for my bedroom. My bookshelf is currently being utilized as (what else) a bookshelf; albeit so completely stocked full, I may need another one! I'm in the market for another desk as well- the one I refurbished is being used as my sewing station, and I'd really love to have a little workstation in my bedroom.
Yesterday was the Fourth of July, my favorite holiday. We celebrated by visiting my mother and stepdad at their home in Johnston, basically a farm. Ari had a blast playing with the baby chicks and the goats- I had a blast photographing the greenhouse with the awesome water culture, the old still in use well, and just the sheer natural beauty of being so close to the city, yet feeling a million miles away. I miss country living for that reason, the feeling of freedom.
I'm excited to report that as of tomorrow, internet will be set up in our new home, so photos and a lot more posts are to come!
I hope you've all had a wonderful June, and enjoyed a patriotic day yesterday xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)