22 October 2012

Thoughtless thinking

It's hard to articulate when I have so many things I could say. Recently, life has been all 'go through the motions'.. I can't say I'm hating it. When you're at the breaking point with too many emotions, automatic numbing does wonders.

I'm not great at writing about my own personal feelings. I'd rather believe I don't even have any, however, I just feel so full lately. Constantly full of happiness, sadness, anxiety, whatever. It's just been hitting me like a truck.

Ari's about to be three years old and I wonder to myself everyday if I am good enough. Seeing the potential and the love for life my child has, I hope I'm doing well enough to where she is going to succeed in life and feel that she IS good enough, in everything she does and for anyone she meets. I know a good role model is so important, but it's very difficult to convey these positive messages to her when I vilify myself at any chance I get.

I keep writing and erasing this line... but, I've been feeling like I'm missing something. I'm not dwelling on it by any means, but little reminders seem to keep shouting at me, "YOU'RE ALONE NOW". Random thoughts popping into my head, "It will never feel the same with anyone else". And I don't want it to.

Life has been good, though. I tend to write when I'm upset, but I can't forget that this is a blog of beautiful things, and my life is one of them. Things may seem monotonous, and dark, but there's beauty. Books and an empty cup sitting on a recently acquired vintage chair, courtesy of my beautiful, intelligent girl. The way the dimming sunlight shines through my living room window and casts a beautiful glow on my orange walls. The gorgeous weather New England has fortunately been having. My awesome, awesome friends; without you, I would be a miserable, homebody wreck. The mounds of clothes littering my room, because I have too much (grateful!) and am way too indecisive and messy to put it all back neatly. My wonderful family... thankful for every one of you.



Anonymous said...

Love you shayna! Best friends for life, don't ever forget that... When you aren't strong to hang on, I'll be there to hold you! Xoxo

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