the writings of a young mama ♥: What Might Have Been Lost {a rant of sorts}

It's a new year, yet I don't feel any different at all. For 2012, I decided I was going to skip out on the forthcoming guilt of making resolutions and then shortly bailing on them. Working well so far! Although, things have become quite different around here in such a small amount of time.

I'm truly not one to talk about private business to anybody {including family} and especially strangers; I'm a fairly private person. However... this is not that time.

Gabe and I are no longer seeing each other. Not "broken up", because we were never really together in the first place. I won't lie and say I'm not hurt. I am.... But maybe for different reasons other than just calling it quits. I was sick of the constant games. Everyday it was something different. "I want to be with you", "I'm confused","I don't know what I want". For five months. Five months I listened the "I'm sorry"s because where he was making it to my house during the week by 9 oclock... this now turned in to 11, sometimes 12 at night. Text or phone call, what's that? And weekends? See ya lata. We hadn't been together on a weekend in about a month. I was lucky if I got to see him on Sunday night.... yeah. Oh we'd make plans though! Sadly, he never found the time to follow through with them. Or even better, the "I'm almost to your house" text and never show up, or answer the texts I sent. Still, I put up with it, he was worth it to me. Eventually, I stopped even seeing him at night. Well, alright then. We talked, tried to make it better, tried to fix whatever had gone wrong. Which brings us to this past sunday. He finally found time for me; we went for a ride. We talked.... not really. It was an awkward silence, I felt sick the entire time. So we decided it wasn't working, and that was that. Okay, clean break. I was alright. He comes over..... then leaves. Fine, even though my bed is so cold when he's gone. I text him a few times.... no response. Monday, had so much to say, but to save myself the trouble I blocked his phone number. It snowed that night.... He messaged me. I was going to ignore it... of course I couldn't. We started to talk again... he told me how much he was willing to make this work, i miss you, I want to be with you, blah blah blah. So, being me, I let him come over last night. We spend the night together, and it was nice. But I knew how I would feel in the morning; his eyes were saying everything he wasn't. I was wide awake at 5am. This morning, he leaves early.. I cry, because I know. I know that today will be a different story, today he's not going to be singing the same tune as yesterday. And once again, I am right. Today, he's not ready for a relationship, he doesn't know what he wants, he's confused. For months I've done this, for absolutely no reason other than the thought that him and I were going to be a "we". Five months may not seem long at all, in fact it seems even relatively short to me, but every day going back and forth is exhausting. As for me, I was steady in what I wanted all along. I trusted him, I tried my best, but the ball wasn't in my court anymore. Makes me feel a little bit better, at least. It wasn't all bad though.. :[

Anyway, besides my tumultuous love life {could you even call it that?}, things are moving right along. Ari is amazing, she basically knows everything. She's so sweet and personable, not to mention hilarious. I have to get a video of the way she speaks like Forrest Gump when he says "Jennay". haha she sounds just like him.

I turned 21 on the 27th of December, and while I didn't get wasted, I was so excited to finally be able to go to my first bar haha. It's convenient being 21, but I'm not happy that now it's only downhill from here the higher the numbers climb!

Work is going well, I'm still extremely happy at my job. My coworkers are seriously awesome, and it's a good environment to be in.

Christmas with my family was just amazing. We spent every day together, and Ari loved having her auntie A, uncles Ry and Nick, and Mem Weas home! I miss them all so much, but we had a wonderful time together. So many great memories to remember. <3

To end this mostly depressing post, here are some pictures that made me smile :]