Maybe its a combination of being 4am and angry, but I am. I am wishing I made different choices. Who really wants to be with someone who puts them down constantly? Nothing was ever good enough. The house was never clean enough, my car was never clean enough, he hated my cats, I clearly wasn't even good enough for a compliment here and there. No, all I ever got was "wow you look good though" in the most sarcastic of voices, always when I was at my most vulnerable. I don't want to be with someone who can't even keep plans with someone "they care about so much". Oh... I forgot that having plans at noon and hearing from him at 8pm is okay. Its not like I was asking the world. If we went out to dinner, I paid for my food. I never expected anything from him; I just wanted some time. Its crazy, to be hurt by the same person (for a second time, 7 years later)- The irony has not been lost on me. Wondering why I didn't learn the first time, I now am realizing that my theory is right: the core of a person never really changes. When I get to missing him, its easier to hate him.
Edit: okay, so I was a little upset this morning. I had woken up to an email I really didn't want to see, and naturally at 4am, I needed to rant. Like I said previously, mornings are the worst... But in all seriousness, it sucks when the person you're loving shows you that it really was all a waste.
I promise I have less dramatic posts soon to be posted, but take this for what it is: a 4am rant.