On: Being Busy!

It's been all "go, go, go" and not enough time to slow down. My fatigue finally gave way and I've been trying to get in as much as possible before it surely returns.

On friday, a wonderful friend took my car while I was at work, left me his, and I arrived at his house to mine working perfectly! I am so thrilled I'm not going to have to sell the Volkswagen. We have been through a lot, that car and I. Most major decisions of my life, too. Up and down the entire East Coast, Maine to Florida. I'm getting all sentimental now, but really, the GTI has been hangin' in there with me better than any guy I've ever dated ;]


This weekend was a good one! Of course spent with great friends, having some drinks in Providence and lots of laughs. I've been having the best mornings too, it's so nice.


Monday night, Ari was with her dad, so I headed to Providence once more. My friend Paul and I decided to meet up for drinks and to see a French film at the Cable Car Cinema, a small little theater downtown. We went to Centro to visit one of our friends, and then headed to the XO Cafe, the cutest little place. If you're looking for somewhere to go for drinks, and want an intimate but somewhat vintage experience, definitely try that place out. They even serve complimentary homemade potato crisps- amazing! After finishing our drinks {Whiskey + Amaretto Sours = love} we headed down the street to the film. Holy Motors is a film apparently about a man travelling through different lives. It was in French, and although with subtitles, very easy to follow. The plot was a lot more confusing. If you can view this film, do it! You will not be disappointed. When it finished, we of course stopped at Muldowney's and for a monday night, it was surprisingly packed. I didn't stay too long, but overall it was an awesome night!


I've been going wild at home- cleaning everything I can, organizing, whatever I can do before I burn myself out. Last night alone, I did mostly all of the dishes, seven loads of laundry, brought to the recycling about a months worth of cardboard and bottles. I'm feeling accomplished and it's a nice change, haha.


Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It came so fast. I can't say I'm a big fan of the holidays... too many people crammed together making small talk, is not really something I enjoy. I am, however, looking forward to having the day off and spending my morning with Ari, as they are few and far between. I can't wait to let her wake up on her own time and cook her breakfast! We're doing something small this year, as things have been kind of hectic in my immediate family. Friday is the real special day, though- A will be three years old! Time has flown, and it makes me so sad; I miss baby Ari. At the same time, it's an amazing thing to see what an awesome little girl she is and is turning out to be.

Tonight, Lorena and I are taking our little girls bowling- Ari's first time! It's going to be the cutest thing to see. Photo update soon!


OH, and I am still committed to NaBloPoMo, I just needed a tiny vaca, haha.


Xoxo

You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful....

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one
who lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

{via Warsan in Wonderland}

Random Relationship Ramblings...

Aah... It drives me completely crazy to read entries from this past year, and see how embarrassingly blind I was toward my relationship situation. Like, really girl? The signs were all there from the beginning, and then some. I allowed myself to be treated like less of a person.. as if my feelings and thoughts didn't measure up, and therefore didn't matter. I accepted it, and once I did, everything started to crumble.

I made mistakes. I gave up a lot for this person. Friendships, a somewhat relationship, time, etc. And I can honestly, positively say it wasn't a waste. I've learned SO much. I've come to terms with everything on my own time, and I feel lighter. I feel happy. Sure, being alone is hard, but now that I'm where I am, I'd rather be alone and happy than miserable and together. {Can I even really say I'm 'alone'?}

The most important things I've learned:

1. Make time for YOU. Sure, you may want spend all your time with your lover and that's great, but don't do it. Go out with your friends, read a book, take a drive- whatever. Just make sure you have solo time. It's seriously important to your psyche and relationship.


2. Don't be second best. If a guy doesn't know what he wants/needs more time/has a lot going on... just leave it. 99% of the time it's just fuckery, and he wants you without having to totally commit. Again, don't do it. If someone wants to be with you, they'll make it happen!


3. Liars lie. Fact. If they lie about something that doesn't even matter in the big scheme of things, run. Don't even walk. Dealing with liars is a world full of pain, especially if you've been faithful and honest. You'll try to convince yourself that you're just in your own head... YOU'RE NOT. Don't let sweet talking fool you, either. Sure he's sorry and he loves you "so much", but if there are no actions to the words, throw the fish back into the ocean and don't think twice.


4. Take a step back. I am hypersensitive to most social/romantic situations, and when I'm going through emotions, especially stress related, it's really hard for me to just think. I'm often very irrational, and that tends to make things worse. Remove yourself from the situation for as long as you need to get your mind back to a relaxed state, whether it be hours or weeks. It's not easy, but it's necessary. Give yourself time to just be. You'll feel much better heading back into the situation {if you so choose!} if you have a calm heart and a clear head. {I will do a post on hypersensitivity one of these days, because of how misunderstood it is.}


5. I write hate lists. This may be totally immature, but whatever. It works. I basically write down about the offending party every shitty quality they have and situations where they've fucked me over. Get sad? Trying to justify things in your mind? Refer to your hate list. Instant reality! {I only pull this out for the tough/big deal situations haha. Friends need not worry!}


6. Let it go. When it's over, don't dwell. You'll hold yourself back for longer. As much as you may want to know WHY, let it be. It's over, that's all that matters. Turn your focus from your "non-existent at this point" relationship to what makes you happy, and things will significantly get better. Surround yourself with friends, do everything you wanted to do without hesitation. It's all about rebuilding yourself into a stronger, wiser entity.


7. Don't let it ruin you. Just because one douchebag lies to you and treats you like shit, doesn't mean everyone will. There are amazing people in the world- 7 billion of them! A quote that's been sticking with me- "Don't waste energy on situations you CAN'T control. It is out of your hands. Focus on the ones you can". Truly brilliant. Everyone is different, and eventually your different will find someone elses different and make you feel complete. Don't count yourself out!


I think what has made it easier for me this time around is, I know I tried, and instead of feeling shitty + unloved, I feel proud of myself. I'm loving myself right now, and that is an amazing thing. I've been waiting a long time for this.  Now this is farewell, to what was and what could have been. I'm open for the future and I am not scared, but optimistic about what great things lay ahead.


xo





{disclaimer: this is only what I went through in my personal experience. everybody's different.}

An Introduction to Winter

On behalf of the weather we've received, I've been daydreaming my life away thinking of the months to come and the coziness that will ensue. Big blankets, hot chocolates, blustery wind blowing outside while being warm in the house, cuddles on the couch, late night car rides through the slow drifting snow...

Here's a few photos to get you daydreaming, too!


{all images via pinterest}














winter weddings are so beautiful..






























my dream life... this will be my future..

xo

Full Circle.

March 7th to March 9th, 2006
~i guess this is the end of everything. and its all kind of mixed-up, because im really sad and im happy and im relieved, but most of all im confused and i dont know how to use anything but run-on sentences, and for some reason, i keep running into things that just make me feel worse and i tried to get rid of all your old e-mails and the stupid things you gave me, but i guess i cant. i guess maybe its for the better, because i cant keep taking it out on myself everytime i get hurt. and i guess youre right, theres no reason for us to stay like this. and i guess youre right, well still be friends. for a while anyways. sometimes i wish i could forget everything, and sometimes i regret everything ive ever told you. and sometimes i regret everything we've ever done/ seen together. but most of the time i dont, and i guess thats the worst part. i want to hate you, my friends say i should. and i cant. i guess im just afraid of being alone. and i guess i forgot what its like when you dont have someone who will hold your hand, and when you dont have someone to fall asleep next to. and when you look back on everything that made you laugh, and it just makes you cry because you cant remember ever being that happy. maybe i overreact to everything, and maybe im jealous and paranoid. but i dont think im that bad. i dont know, im sick of trying to look on the bright side and im sick of saying things will get better, because when they dont i just get let down. ive never loved/needed/wanted someone so much. its completely foreign to me, to be this infatuated with someone else. my entire life has been selfish, and maybe thats why sometimes i did such a bad job of being your girlfriend. but i love you more than anything. and it was my biggest fear that you didnt feel the same way anymore. im not sure if id rather have you as a friend or just a peice of history. i want whichever will hurt the least, i suppose.



~you say you need time alone, but yet when you catch my scent you want it to surround you.. you want all the benefits a boyfriend would have with me, but i don't want to give in to you.. it will make it seem as if what you've done is okay. it's not okay, at all. all i want is to just kiss you as if it was all the same. today made me realize that you want best of both worlds.. it's not going to happen.

i feel bad about certain things i've done, and if I knew it would ruin us I would have changed the way everything happened, but i guess i cant do anything about it. After seeing what it's like with someone else, I knew exactly what I wanted, and it was you.. its just so hard because i felt like when i started to get close to you, you pushed me away. and now that i'm trying to move on, you come and try to make it seem like you want me back. but you dont, you dont want things to be the way they used to be. you want to be able to have fun and not have to worry about other peoples feelings and not have all of these commitments. except you expect me to only be with you, while you can talk to all these other chicks who dont care about you half as much as i do. its so unfair to me. i dont know, im too stuck on not hurting people to care about myself sometimes. i guess we both have things to get over.


"Well, I love the way your hands touch mine
Like a gift from god, worth a lifetime
In case tomorrow doesn’t find its way
Just stay love is forever don't throw it away"




*I wrote those entries in 2006 (on Livejournal!!) when I was going through pretty much the same situation with the same person. It's incredible to see how things change and how other things never do; everything eventually comes full circle. For whatever reason, this needed to be documented. I am desperately seeking closure; I can't keep beating myself up for not being enough for this person, when in reality, he will never be satiated- with anybody. There comes a time when you're just sick of it all, all the games, the playing. Stability is a factor in my life that must be considered, and I will never allow my feelings for someone to overcome my reality, ever again.

Friday Happenings.

What are you lovelies up to this weekend? I'm hoping to take it kind of easy, and possibly start a new sewing project. Tonight is a much needed night out with my best friend and a few others. Beers, good talks and clearing my head will all be accomplished. I'm so tempted to just pack a bag, throw some blankets in the backseat, fill my car up with gas, and head somewhere I've never been. I'm craving change; I need a break from the monotony.

This week has felt like one of the longest in my life. I'll be back tomorrow with tales of a wild, debaucherous night (just kidding... maybe?)

I'll leave you with a beautiful song that's resonating with me today; conjuring up images of running away.



"Love's tame, you can't set it free
Come back and it's meant to be
The story's old, the odds have changed
Return or not, it feels the same

Be still, let the journey bring
Calm winds and a song to sing
Unroll the map and plot the course
Ignore the needle pointing north

Waves crash on a vacant pier
Boats rock on a sea of fear
The tide is high, your hope still floats
Pull the anchor, cut the ropes"

Have a great friday! xo

November! Currently....

It's the first of November! Ever since Ari was born in 2009, November has struck a chord with me and we've had a truce; things seem to work out well for me now, whereas pre-baby, it was a month just begging to break me down. Here's to good times ahead; Ari turning three, Thanksgiving, my family moving home to Rhode Island, and my niece being born.




You may be wondering about this strange icon above? I've decided to participate in something called NaBloPoMo, also known as "National Blog Posting Month". For the entire month of November, I will update every single day. That's thirty posts! I can't promise that every post is going to be something of substance, because face it, we all get burned out sometimes. However, starting today, I do promise you a variety of content to keep you entertained throughout the month. What would you like to see? Recipes, more photos, links to like, music?

I want to get this blog back to where it was before, but I think it's time for an identity change. While I am still a young mama, writing about life, I've realized I'm so much more than just a mama. Expect a complete update of this site in the coming days.


Anyway, because I'm feeling all gung ho about this here project- I'm going to take a page from one of the blogs I love, Sometimes Sweet, and do a 'Currently' post! It's a sweet little reminder of daily life, and maybe will become a mainstay in the future~



Watching: Boardwalk Empire! I cannot get enough of this show. It's based in Prohibition era in Atlantic City, New Jersey. The gist of the show is along the lines of the Sopranos, based on profit from crime and the sale of illegal alcohol. Steve Buscemi plays an awesome Nucky Thompson, although my favorite character (Spoiler: before he was killed off) was Jimmy. It's on HBO sunday nights at 10pm est, get addicted!


Listening to: I've been drifting from my usual, finding a variety of new music and re-discovering some old. The new Gaslight Anthem album is awesome, as well as Violent Waves, Circas newest. To get me in a working mood, I've had Name Taken stuck on repeat and some Skrillex. The east coast has been experiencing some less than pleasant weather as of late, so for those rainy day moods- DeYarmond Edison, Gates, Cassino and Cary Brothers. I'll elaborate more on this in an upcoming Whats on my iPod post.


Thinking about: How I'm going to blog for an entire month! I really do think of blogging like, all the time. What sucks is that I'm on a computer working for 40 hours a week, so by the time I get home, the only thing I can bring myself to do is browse other blogs and wish I had the time/energy to write haha. As I was saying above on an identity change for this blog- I just want to make this space as cozy as my home feels. I want an uninhibited spot of the internet where I can just go off on my thoughts and have them all in one place to eventually reflect on one day.


Loving: I've been absolutely in love with onions lately. I know, weird. But I want onions on everything I eat. I'm also loving the fact that this weekend we get to change our clocks back! I enjoy the dark, I love being at home when it's winter and cold outside. Saturday night, folks!


Reading: I'm in between a few books right now. It's not usually like me, but after finishing the 50 Shades series, I've been jumping head first into any and all reading materials. So currently, my list is "Sundays at Tiffanys" by James Patterson {re-reading because it's that good}, "1984" by George Orwell {re-reading} and "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse.


Making me happy: The fact I have a tidy home right now! I used to be a super cleaner, OCD about everything. Now, being a single mama and still fighting the fatigue from mono, I could care less. I worked up the energy to completely clean my house {except my bedroom} and it's just so nice to get home after work and not feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that accumulates. Oh, lifes small pleasantries!


*One out of thirty posts down! Let's see where this exciting month takes us xo

kittens though.

Juniper recently had kittens, and we're all in love. They walk sloppily to their mama and have the tiniest cries. Ari is seriously so in heaven, and basically its a good experiment in child development, I guess haha. She asked me last night where Jackson Brown's babies were. I told her that boys don't have babies, only girls. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, and proceeded to ask me how Juniper gives the babies milk, and not food. LOL it was an interesting conversation to have with a 2 1/2 year old.

On to the cuteness:
























The newest hair color until I decide what to do with this mop. Cut, dark, light? Choices..


xoxo

Life Lately! v.?

It's been almost a month since I've last blogged. Typing my thoughts feels somewhat new, as I've been writing a lot instead. Truth be told, I needed the little break -felt guilty everyday though! ;] Thoughts and life has been so tumultuous over the past month, I'm forever glad that April is over. November used to be considered my worst month, but for the past three years April has taken that spot.


Things have been moving along. Work has gotten better now that the entire department is finally together. Love my work girls, we're always laughing and making the best out of it.


Unfortunately {or fortunately?), I've been taking into account the people I allow in my life, and due to circumstances, I've downsized about three, maybe more?... but as some friendships grow weak, others grow stronger and I've been having a bunch of great outings with some old friends. I can't wait to do more as the warm weather starts to roll in.


Ari. My little peanut is so not a peanut anymore. She tells me herself, "Mom. I am not a baby, Im a big girl". Like, really? Kid, you're two. But as she keeps getting older, I find myself and Ari becoming a team that kinda transcends the usual mother- daughter relationship. Maybe every single mom feels like this, but I feel like we're both finally adjusted to it being only her and I. She's such a trooper too. Ari walks up to our 4th floor apartment if both my hands are full, and she doesn't even complain. She loves Bon Iver, Band of Horses {still} and Gotye right now. Loves dressing up in her princess dress up clothes and heels. Loves to draw + paint {on everything}. Loves vegetables, cheese and vegan chocolate cupcakes. Ari had a taste of spicy noodles at Thai Garden and she did not like that LOL. She still has texture issues, hates having dirty hands, and absolutely despises if one of the cats goes in her room at night because "it wakes her up". She is not fond of mornings whatsoever, or going to bed for that matter. But it's never a big issue, the kid loves sleep. She has a pretty good sense of fashion, loves owls on clothig + jewelry, and knows which shoe goes on which foot. I am totally enthralled by her! She's such a happy girl, and to see it makes me feel like I'm doing alright.

Things are different at my house compared to everywhere else Ari goes. I haven't had cable tv in over a year, and I honestly don't even miss it. I had a dvd player, ONE, in my bedroom. It broke somehow and I don't want to pay $20 to replace it haha. I have movies on my laptop, which is my last resort now, and life must be against my use of electronics. How does a full can of Arizona iced tea just fall off a solid surface onto my computer? HOW?? ugh, yes. That did happen. Anyway, the best part of all this is that Ari just accepts it. Tonight it made me sad when she told me "we need a tv". Uhhh, no! We don't. She's usually so busy coloring, painting or playing she never asks to watch television. We listen to music, paint our nails among everything else. Her new thing is to chat before bed. It's so funny, I can picture doing this 10 years from now. I'll sit down with her cup, she'll start asking me random questions with her hands tucked behind her head on her green turtle pillow {seriously relaxing}. We'll chat a little bit more. She wants more glow in the dark stars stuck to her bed. Tomorrow after we go to the movies for her first time ever (!), her bed will most likely be bright as hell in her bedroom haha.


Things between Gabe and I have been decent, don't know what we're doing, but who does, right? I love him, he knows that, so yeah. Everything's alriiiiight!


This past weekend was such a fun weekend. I'm not mexican, I'm French, but I appreciate margaritaaaas! I worked at Spectrum Indias table at the first ever Thayer Street Festival. It was just strange to charge folks $15 to come into a gated area and pay for everything full price... hm. After I got out on saturday I met up with Kammy and we went back to Providence to celebrate Cinco de Mayo! We started off at the Celtic Lounge. I figured it may have been like the last time I ordered a margarita there, pure alcohol for $8. But no. The bar was full, so we sat in a little table next to the bar and squeezed in near the door to the kitchen. LOL. We ended up leaving that place for Thayer. The sun had finally come out full force after a week of non stop miserable weather, so we went to our seemingly favorite bar, Shark. We got to sit outside, sweet. Somehow we made a cigarette break friend, and when they were leaving, the waiter brought out anotherrr drink and said it was on them. So cool, especially considering their prompt depature, which left Kammy and I to suck thst margarita down fast as hell because we both wanted Cheese Fries really, really bad. It was a fun night haha.

Another cool thing: I'm gonna be an auntie! My sister is due December 11, which is disgustingly weird considering that was my due date as well! But yeah, my first nephew {says Laurie the gypsy}, and I wish Aly would consider the name Athol as maybe even his middle name?? But I'm very excited, and I can't wait for Ari to be a big cousin!


Overall, things are just fine over here in this attic type apartment in little Rhode Island. I'm hoping for nice weather to come, because I'm dying to picnic, and get a new bicycle, and do summery things including riding a motorcyle and wearing a shitload of sunblock everywhere forever. :]


Photos to follow soon! xo

Take It As It Comes

Mother nature must be seriously happy with New England, because the weather we've been having is so awesome! I wore shorts tonight after work. The warm air has been a nice change; it's so noticeable in the way people have been acting lately. I work in a busy office building where people are always rushing in and out, angry looking, not caring if the door hits you in the face behind them. The past two days though, I have seen SO many people smiling, and just being more aware of everyone around them. Spring has seemingly broken out in Woonsocket; I'm okay with this!

Soo I'm not going to write much, but Gabe and I are no longer. Things change, but some things never change.. I'm honestly okay. I don't feel bad. I guess when the end is knowingly imminent from the start, it makes it much easier. I've been getting used to having all this space in the bed again. Anyway, luckily for me, I have great, hilarious friends who have been doing a good job at keeping my mind off of things. :] This weekend is St. Patrick's Day weekend, and I'm Irish! Woo!


Even though the week is half over already, I'm wishing it was a weekend morning. There's nothing like waking up and sleeping in a little, remembering that really, it is the weekend and unless you made prior engagements, your day is yours to do as you wish! I try to go on adventures as much as possible, I'm always happy to end up somewhere random. This may or may not be practical, but when I'm old, I hope I have more memories of fun adventures than practical life. Just gotta take it as it comes





Listen to this while viewing the pictures below; you'll want sunday morning.























all images via Pinterest

This sunday, I am resolving to stumble out of bed early and grab a coffee and yummy breakfast in Prov. ♥

how vacation goes

Well, gabe and I are currently on our way back from vacation... In a tow truck! Haha. We decided to come to New Hampshire for Volkswagen Driver Appreciation Day at Gunstock Mountain. We got a hotel for saturday night and drove up around 2pm in the afternoon. We checked in to our room around 5 aaaand fell asleep until 1030. Ughh! So we basically hung around, laughing at Curb your Enthusiasm and Entourage. Around midnight, we decided to go for a drive, see if anything was still open. We drove to this cute little town, Weirs Beach, which I want to remember for the summer! Cute summer cottages dotted the empty land, ice cream stands abandoned for the winter, arcades boasting hours of fun going untouched in the cold.

We woke up this morning pretty early, laid around before heading to breakfast downstairs. We talked and laughed, until Gabe came back to our room a short time after to inform me that his car wasn't starting. Hmm.... So, after some ignition switch fixing, the car still wasn't starting. Hello, AAA. So we're currently in a tow truck getting towed to Lowell, Ma Chili's where we're going to drink a lot and wait for our 2nd AAA tow home haha happy sunday ;]

Ramblings

What a crazy week! I wish I could have a whole day to just lay in bed, do nothing but watch movies and eat oreos. Hm. So yeah, last wednesday I went to visit Nate at McInnis to get tattooed! Lorena joined and it was a long almost two hours, let me tell you haha. Driving home was a miserable experience, but after a day or two it was already starting to heal up. I love my teacup! Came out perfect.

Another big change: Gabe and I are actually together. We hung out over the weekend and basically it just got to the point where yes, I want to be with him so f it. Gonna give it all I've got for the last time and if it doesn't work out, at least I won't be disappointed this time. So far, so good.

On Sunday we went to Ikea.... Ugh. I love too much stuff, I wanted to buy everything. In previous posts I mentioned doing some redecorating? Yeah. Ari and I went to Lowe's last night and got paint to start the pantry. The color is soo not what I was expecting! LOL. It's interesting, very retro; I'm going to keep it, but paint the accenting wall and cupboards white and ice gray.

I don't want to think about work right now, but I'm getting a little bit stressed out. I've been accomplishing a lot but there's still SO much to do. I was given a bit more responsibility and I can't really fall behind on that task. I can't really fall behind on anything. Hm.

This week I attempted to dye my hair red. Didn't really work out that well. I still like it, but it's not how I expected. The color didn't take anywhere except the top of my hair so, yeah. Back to black I guess! haha.


Ari and I had a very interesting night/morning. First, at 3am, I heard what sounded like snapping twigs. I got a little nervous, and got out of bed to check the kitchen. Walking out of my room, my feet are crunching on something, and I see a little blond head sticking out of the closet. Ari was holding a box of angel hair pasta, and with a huge smile on face, was breaking it all in half. I literally stood there in ambivalent shock. Like, three in the morning, and decides to go and break spaghetti? What the hell? So, back to bed I bring her. At around six, I'm awoken by this loud clunking noise coming from the kitchen. I honestly did not want to get out of bed to see what it was because I knew it was going to be Ari, making some type of mess I did not want to clean up that early, on top of the spaghetti still everywhere. As she gets closer to my door, all I see is her flailing about with her rollerskates on. At this point, all I can do is laugh. She sees me laughing and starts laughing herself. ♥ She seriously makes my mornings, even if I went to work with spaghetti pieces in my shoe.



I'm seriously just loving my room lately. More specifically... bed.


now picture the above walls this^ color. Blackberry Jam


Yeah..... hahah I'm hoping it looks a lot better once it's all finished


Teacup! Peeling but looking rad.


So long, red hair.



P.s. Check out this article; it'll make you think ;]
P.p.s. Watch this video, you'll love the song!

Another broken promise tips the scale and it goes down.

I'm not going to have much time to write tonight, but I wanted to give ya'll a quick post-weekend update:

This weekend was just ridiculous. Because I decided to sleep all day on saturday, I woke up at 1230am and was ready for my day. One of my good friends and I drove around everywhere in Rhode Island searching for a breakfast place that was open at 530 in the morning, no such luck. Around 7am we finally stopped in Bellingham, MA. at 'the Breakfast Nook'. Ugh, so good. We laughed continuously over the fact that our saturday had yet to end, while the diner was piling up with folks bright-eyed from going to bed at 10 o'clock the night before.

Last night was one of the harder nights I've yet to have. Gabe and I have ended things, albeit not the way I wanted. We had plans for friday; I didn't hear from him until Sunday. I can't keep doing this to myself, hanging on for any shred of hope when I'm only going to be left disappointed once more. I think that's what I've come to dread in this situation; the feeling of disappointment. The ever-present knowing that hey, things may be good right now, but tomorrow they won't be. Tomorrow I'll be disappointed once again, just like the previous times that I've allowed this to happen. I keep telling myself that I want to be happy... but how can you be happy when you're giving up a part of your happiness? {And when I say happiness, I'm not sure if I mean happy, or comfort}. Gabe and I have always had something. Or maybe more likely, I've just always had something for him. I don't know how to explain, and I can't seem to escape it. I'm not entirely torn about it, because if he doesn't want to be with me, well that's the harsh reality and I'll learn to accept it in time. But, it still sucks. I miss all the laughing, cuddles and sweet goodbye kisses in the morning. Memories make this all the much harder.

Work is getting extremely busy! As we've been down a few people, breaks in the workflow are far and few between. I feel like I'm kind of getting stressed out, but it's really not my issue, so I just get in 'Work Mode'- Headphones on and blasted, Oreo cookies and Raspberry Arizona tea on deck, good to go.

I'm so excited to be getting tattooed again by Nate this wednesday! I love his work, and when I asked him to draw me up a teacup for my inner right arm, obviously I loved it. It's definitely me, and "there will be lots of purple" haha. Always a good time at McInnis.

Another thing I'm excited for: Mini vaca! I really need to start planning, but honestly I have no idea where to start. I'm looking for a quiet, bustling little town, with cute cafes and lots of bookstores, random odds and ends and scenery. Town, where are you?! I'm probably going to settle on Burlington, but I haven't completely abandoned the idea of upstate NY. I want to spend my entire weekend lounging with a book, strolling around, sipping coffee and wine, eating treats at family owned bakeries, enjoying the locals, things of that nature that nobody except moi finds fun haha. Hopefully I'll be able to do some real research and share it with ya'll soon. Only two weeks!


How this turned into a normal entry I'm not sure, but my real reason for posting is for this song.


I love Eisley, and when I heard this song I was immediately taken by it. Such raw lyrics, and it's speaking to my heart right now haha, making me feel a wittle bit better. Another good one: Smarter.


Xo!

Early Spring?

Today started quite normally, except for the fact that it was like 50 degrees out! Pretty rad, considering it's been soo cold. Of course I want more snow, but it was cool to wear only a sweatshirt to work in the middle of January and not freeze. I couldn't let work ruin the whole day so on lunch break I had an impromptu photo shoot with my GTI. :] I don't see the point of freezing my ass off to wash my car when the roads are just trash right now, so she's a little dirty, but they're decent. It was a fun half hour, but oh my poor moccasins... haha.









& I think I found the solution to my acne problem!



xo!

morning thoughts.

I wish things were easier to understand. Confusion is a main state of mind lately. This weekend definitely threw me for a loop and now I'm just feeling vulnerable. But it was different this time.. I did so much laughing! Sadly.... I know better than to think anything positive. Things were said that pretty much painted the picture of how I know things are. I can't be disappointed anymore, so at least I'm prepared. Felt good to have my guard down for a while though, it was a nice change. And I was warm, every night. :]

Anyway.

Sunday, sunday. Gabe and I woke up late again, thanks in part to the beer and margarita from the previous night haha. I really need to start remembering my camera! Started the morning with errands, Hava Java coffee and cleaning the car. It has been so cold outside, but I'll take it if it means more snow. So yeah, after the car wash we did a little more running around, went to Lowe's to get some sealer stuff and visit his friend Wes. Gabe and I did laundry at the laundrymat, and got takeout to have dinner with his mom.

During the excitement of yesterday, we dug my car out of the snow bank it was under and she started up! When it snows in Rhode Island, the city puts out a parking ban so the plows can plow the streets easily. My car wasn't running, parked on the street, I had no way to move it. Well, lucky for me, my car never got towed so I didn't have to deal with that! They just plowed all the snow next to it haha.



On another note, let me just say how good it feels to have this years taxes already filed and on the way. Hello, bills paid and car fixed! I'm thinking its about time I upgrade from my Blackberry to an iPhone too, honestly I'm just jealous I can't get an instagram app ;] but I must say it's nice to be able to get the entire blogger interface to show up on my blackberry so I don't have to turn my laptop on haha.


Seeing as its not yet 7am in the morning on a monday (UGH!), and I really have nothing else to ramble on about, I'm going to end this for now. Xo!

Snow Day!

Rhode Island has really yet to see snow until this past week, and I must say I am beyond happy! On thursday we got around an inch, and that was better than nothing. Today, waking up to flakes and a white ground just set the morning off perfectly.

For now, I'll be out enjoying the snow!

~~~~~


Today was such a slow paced day, I loved it! {I'll save my reasons for this for a later date, but...} Gabe and I rolled out of bed pretty late this morning, hung around, cleaned up a bit and made a delicious big breakfast. We got dressed and headed to do a little running around. Driving around in the snow is so much fun! Gabe decided to go snowboarding with Rogaa, who could blame them, with all this fresh powder. My car is out of commission currently, so I'm home bound. Been organizing and cleaning, even ordered some Chinese food, yummyy. Ari is at her Mem & Babas for the night, surely having a blast with them and her Auntie V! As for me, I'll be taking advantage of a quiet house by doing the rest of the cleaning, and going out with Gabe for a drink when he gets back to the city :]







.Eggs.Bacon.Corned Beef Hash.Crepes with Blueberry Preserves.Bread.



Park Avenue, Woonsocket R.I.



Attempting organization





Enjoy the rest of your weekend! Xo~

What Might Have Been Lost {a rant of sorts}

It's a new year, yet I don't feel any different at all. For 2012, I decided I was going to skip out on the forthcoming guilt of making resolutions and then shortly bailing on them. Working well so far! Although, things have become quite different around here in such a small amount of time.

I'm truly not one to talk about private business to anybody {including family} and especially strangers; I'm a fairly private person. However... this is not that time.

Gabe and I are no longer seeing each other. Not "broken up", because we were never really together in the first place. I won't lie and say I'm not hurt. I am.... But maybe for different reasons other than just calling it quits. I was sick of the constant games. Everyday it was something different. "I want to be with you", "I'm confused","I don't know what I want". For five months. Five months I listened the "I'm sorry"s because where he was making it to my house during the week by 9 oclock... this now turned in to 11, sometimes 12 at night. Text or phone call, what's that? And weekends? See ya lata. We hadn't been together on a weekend in about a month. I was lucky if I got to see him on Sunday night.... yeah. Oh we'd make plans though! Sadly, he never found the time to follow through with them. Or even better, the "I'm almost to your house" text and never show up, or answer the texts I sent. Still, I put up with it, he was worth it to me. Eventually, I stopped even seeing him at night. Well, alright then. We talked, tried to make it better, tried to fix whatever had gone wrong. Which brings us to this past sunday. He finally found time for me; we went for a ride. We talked.... not really. It was an awkward silence, I felt sick the entire time. So we decided it wasn't working, and that was that. Okay, clean break. I was alright. He comes over..... then leaves. Fine, even though my bed is so cold when he's gone. I text him a few times.... no response. Monday, had so much to say, but to save myself the trouble I blocked his phone number. It snowed that night.... He messaged me. I was going to ignore it... of course I couldn't. We started to talk again... he told me how much he was willing to make this work, i miss you, I want to be with you, blah blah blah. So, being me, I let him come over last night. We spend the night together, and it was nice. But I knew how I would feel in the morning; his eyes were saying everything he wasn't. I was wide awake at 5am. This morning, he leaves early.. I cry, because I know. I know that today will be a different story, today he's not going to be singing the same tune as yesterday. And once again, I am right. Today, he's not ready for a relationship, he doesn't know what he wants, he's confused. For months I've done this, for absolutely no reason other than the thought that him and I were going to be a "we". Five months may not seem long at all, in fact it seems even relatively short to me, but every day going back and forth is exhausting. As for me, I was steady in what I wanted all along. I trusted him, I tried my best, but the ball wasn't in my court anymore. Makes me feel a little bit better, at least. It wasn't all bad though.. :[

Anyway, besides my tumultuous love life {could you even call it that?}, things are moving right along. Ari is amazing, she basically knows everything. She's so sweet and personable, not to mention hilarious. I have to get a video of the way she speaks like Forrest Gump when he says "Jennay". haha she sounds just like him.

I turned 21 on the 27th of December, and while I didn't get wasted, I was so excited to finally be able to go to my first bar haha. It's convenient being 21, but I'm not happy that now it's only downhill from here the higher the numbers climb!

Work is going well, I'm still extremely happy at my job. My coworkers are seriously awesome, and it's a good environment to be in.

Christmas with my family was just amazing. We spent every day together, and Ari loved having her auntie A, uncles Ry and Nick, and Mem Weas home! I miss them all so much, but we had a wonderful time together. So many great memories to remember. <3

To end this mostly depressing post, here are some pictures that made me smile :]



Can't even tell you how many cheese fries I consumed over Christmas


crazy brother


sexy and he knows it




Dinner at Friendly's


Best friends


touching the bird


Ari thought she was blowing them out because they were blinking haha










brand new Minnetonka moccasins, thifted. $8


teacups in the morning light






those crazy clouds!


♥ she sleeps sooo late!

xo!